I have a desire to marry, have kids and whatnot, but I’ve across some interesting characters thus far in my adult years. If I weren’t a writer, I might ignore the disrespect or only vent to my friends, but…I’d rather give you all a snippet of a chapter that will be featured in my future memoir. These experiences may be part of the reason I’m often anti-social around the opposite sex. However, I know there’s plenty of good fish in the sea – this isn’t a hopeless, “I’m done with love” post, just a “I feel the need to write my thoughts and put these awkward, psychotic, chauvinists on blast” post. For you good guys out there, please get your friends or fellow male-counterparts – tell them to get their lives.
Here’s how NOT to be romantic:
A little bit of Aretha to set the tone…
1. “Ay! ay! ay!”, he yelled across the parking lot as I gathered my belongings to monitor a batterers’ intervention class. A class that he was a court-ordered participant in. Keeper or no? Perhaps smiling at me throughout class time and looking back as though you have something important to tell me will grab my attention.
2. Pick up your friend from the bus station. Begin to drive away from the bus station. Stop your car. Park your car. Get out of your car. Walk 40-50 feet over to me. Disregard the “don’t approach me” look on my face as I see you walking over to me. Ask me if I’m waiting for my man. Discover that I am waiting for my mother, which is relayed to you with an attitude and an eye roll. Proceed to ask if I have a man, then ask for my number. Discover through sarcasm that you may not have my number, but “may return to your car and pretend that this whole thing never happened” (verbatim). Walk away in obvious shame since you failed to pick up on body language and social cues that said “no” before you even opened your mouth.
3. “Hey babies. Both of y’all can be my babies. The more the merrier, ma!”, said by a stranger as my friend and I explored NYC.
4. *Whistle.* – Never got that guys name…as if I ever do
5. Honk your horn and stick your tongue out in between your index and middle finger. This one is reserved for super classy guys. Proceed to drive away, because that was about power & control, not about asking me out on a date.
6. “Wanna dance, baby?” – the homeless guy that probably asked that same question to every girl at Mizzou who ever took a walk downtown.
7. Send tons of kissy face emojis via text filled with messages that make it obvious that you view me in a much more non-platonic light that I view you – i.e. “baby doll”, “baby”, “honey”, boo”… even though you’ve known me for all of 4 days. Call me out of my name once I tell you that you’re smothering me and to please lose my number….well that escalated quickly. *flips hair, plays Beyoncé “Feeling Myself”*
8. (Allegedly) Stare at me up and down with lustful intentions while I am taking pictures after graduation with my family (so my Grampy told me) ….I don’t pay attention to these things.
9. Say misogynistic/sexist things in an attempt to be romantic. i.e. “Stop being smart and go make me a sandwich *laugh* I’m just kidding”….no you weren’t.
10. Ask me out on a date, then complain about having to pay for my dinner option, described as the “most expensive thing on the menu”. That’s okay, I will pay for my own $8 gourmet burger (that comes with fries and another side item). Proceed to explain how I’m not letting you “be the man” if I pay for my own meal. Fine, I will abstain from this $8 gourmet burger. A $3 salad will do. I just hoped that one of your friends would begin singing this B2K throwback to you.
11. Stop me on a busy street. Ask for my number without asking for my name. Be told ‘no, I’m in a rush to get somewhere’ and proceed to tell me that I’m not that cute anyway.
12. Call me a word that makes me want to bust out this Queen Latifah throwback.
Until next time….