I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning. (Psalm 130:5-6)
"Advent": the arrival of a notable person, thing, or event
Waiting sucks. I know we're in the middle of advent season and Christmas cheer is in the air, but I'm not the most patient person. I like to see immediate results so I can move on to the next thing, otherwise I lose interest quickly. The past few months since moving to Miami have been incredibly difficult. I quit a job as quickly as I started it, picked up another teaching position and I might be in the middle of a quarter-life crisis. Okay, maybe the word "crisis" is a bit dramatic, but I'm certainly experiencing one of those, "what is life and what am I doing?" phases.
I thought that I could see where life was headed, but I honestly do not know. I want to write and create art full-time, but student loans are real and I chose to study Sociology and Music over Journalism. I'm looking to gain journalistic experience and still pay bills. It's arduous being an optimistic, ambitious realist. I need a new car, a full-time job, and patience while transitioning from a large house in the country to sharing a small apartment in the city with my friends. I'm still not certain if I want to pursue grad school or seminary, because I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just...waiting.
I'm not waiting with a sense of stagnancy, but I'm not able to take off and run aimlessly after selfish goals anymore. I am being forced to patiently walk, one step at a time, by faith. If I'm honest, it's unpleasant - I should have life figured out by 25. Even though I feel like I'm starting life all over, I can say I have assurance that this waiting period is both necessary and beneficial.
Waiting strengthens our faith in a Good and Sovereign God. I've prayed, long before moving to Miami, that I'd be like the writer of Psalm 130, having more assurance and trust in God than watchmen have knowledge that the sun will rise in the morning. The boldness to pray for that assurance has brought me to where I am. It's uncomfortable. It's confusing. It seems unbearable, but like everything else, it serves its purpose and is only a vapor compared to eternity.
"In his word I put my hope" (v.5)
God is faithful and his word is true. I think about the short 4 months I've been in Miami - confused, unsure, at one point isolated, questioning, second guessing, yet hopeful. My soul earnestly waits for a faithful God. I think that is the safest place one can be in the middle of feeling dismantled, frazzled, scattered, and utterly unsure of everything. Why? Because my hope is in a God who is worth it! God is still there through the silence of the night. Our waiting is never in vain, for the Son will always rise.
"One of the greatest lies we tell ourselves and are crushed by is "not now" means "not ever." - Muche Ukegbu, The Brook Miami
<3 LySaundra Janeé